Failure...IT SUCKS!

Failure...IT SUCKS, and it's inevitable.  It's a given.  It's going to happen to you...more than once...in a lifetime, a lot more than once.  I recently retired from a job that I had been at for 15 years.  The last year of that work was one of the most challenging.  There was A LOT of opportunity for failure, and I fell victim to it more than once in that last year.  So here's the nugget - we, collectively, don't handle other people's failures well.  Seth Godin writes in his Blog Cheering you on when you lose, "who is waiting at the finish line, and who will be cheering for you at the final banquet, even when you don't win?  Especially when you don't win.."  

So let's be clear about WHY you would want to be there cheering someone on when they lose.

• You, better than anybody, should understand that failure is a given.  If you have any doubts about that look to your own life for verification - you are not perfect.  Neither is anyone else.
• Failure is a given, so learning to handle it effectively with yourself and with others is important.  If you expect to get from point A to point B in a team setting, you better get a handle on how you deal with the failures of others.
• You do not have all the answers and you cannot accomplish all that you need to accomplish without the help or teamwork of others.
• Failure, for the person experiencing it, is not a place of comfort.  There is risk; there is loss; there is a myriad of emotions - frustration, anger, disappointment, sadness...

To move through failure, people need to work through what happened.  They need someone to LISTEN.  Failure is a kind of wound.  Failure creates vulnerability. If we are to grow and learn from our failures, we need the space and grace of those around us helping us to realize that the wound is localized, that it, alone, does not define us, and that, yes, we will get to the other side of this healing process and be able to come away with learnings.  When we are going through failures we need those around us to hold to the vision of our impending success being strengthened by this time of loss.

Things NOT to do when someone fails:

• Criticize - kick someone when they are down.
• Add our own emotions (anger disappointment, frustration, fear) to the cacophony of self inflicted emotions that the person who has failed is already going through.  There may need to be time to share, and THIS IS NOT THE TIME.
• Be callous to what those going through failure are experiencing..."Suck it up!...Grow a scab!...Get over it!..."

 Here's another nugget for you: how YOU feel about someone else's failure is NOT going to help them successfully process what happened.  THE BEST THING THAT YOU CAN DO FOR SOMEONE PROCESSING FAILURE IS LISTEN.  Give those processing their own failure the space and grace to work through what happened.  Use this time, as you listen, to come to better understand their point of view and how THEY see their failure and their path forward.  Often times you will find that your input is superfluous.  We, each of us, have an amazing capacity to heal ourselves given the space and grace to do that.

With Love